Saturday, December 31, 2022

 dec 31 2022

who oversleeps? this is for your intellectual information. re. melatonin.  
...i underslept for a few hours and decided to take a melatonin -- just one at about midfnight..... and i did sleep.. but i am paying for that. now...i don't have what i would call a headache, but a right eyebrow ache and the contents of other 3/4's of my head has settled to the right quadrant... leaving a vacant gap... so that the slicing of an orange confused me.
the label did say not to operate machinery. etc...  but a knife???    ...  i better stay off the tractor....
and i happily will sit in my warm car and watch dan who brought in his excavator to help janine with holes for a fence project of the white stuff...if the donkey camera is swung around you might see it behind he barn/ manure pile.
i say all this because ---friend dan.... ( a guy in florida?) once told me he took 3 melatonins to sleep well... i think i heard he had discontinued that ...since he was found trying t walk on stilts in the everglades...since most medicins are dished out related to the patient;s weight... i don't know what he would have to weigh to  warrant taking  3 of those pills..  i think i wlll throw them out aqnd go back to brandy

eve in this blearry state--- certain combination of words set off some song or another....
.... this morning was "BEHIND THE".   which started..." behind the hill theres a busy little still where my pappy's workin in the moonlight--- my lovin paw  isn't quite within the law so he's hidin ther behind the hill"

which made m e wonder....... on my way to pick up lumber for the indoor arena, there is a very small building - maybe 6x6--- outhouse size??? within 30 feet of the road--- with a huge pile of  firewood next to it-- HUGE  as in the size of 2 reg pickup  trucks...  and it is always belching smoke -- everytime i go by-- which is often seeing as the market is across the road..( highway --- route 1) 

so that will be my excitemetn of the day-- go get more lunber for the end part of the arena and ask "tall tom" (my lumberstore friend who figures out what i am trying to buy....).  he must know--- there is always smoke billowing out the tin  smokestack.
  it looks like an out house.

p.s.  there is a small book. (5 x 5 " ). "the specialist" about an out house builder-- it is very funny-- a skinney little book... i don't know if it is still around.. (by? chick sales????)  

Friday, December 30, 2022

dec 30 2022

phase 1---coming down the homestretch....  i'm ready for phase 2----there is a lot of crazy acres that is unused... or not used to it's fullest.
when i moved in here ..... being of sound body...... one of the attractions was the fact that  the Bay State Trail is only 100 yards from the white gate in "A" only a pair of clippers would stop that from being connected..  i had intentions of riding that trail--- before  i stopped riding in general... but it is there...and would be a super place to  have this donkey "episode"  like they did in prep for an "episode" in boston/cambridge..
why not???  it suits me better now....  donkeys are slower, very agreeable,definitely farm animals, and if you get distracted and leave them somewhere-- they generally wait for you to come back....

 i have had donkeys in all the finest boston hotel ball rooms and bar rooms --- they do "work" at making people smile !! and the donkeys seem to enjoy the activity too...
there are a few donkeys here now, ( and at meridith)-- I need to get to know their personalities and see if there are one or two who could navigate stairs and do things like altars  or visit  adult centers with the dogs... 
i can hear the neigh sayers now....  we have dealt  with those concerns...  it is possible to take a stainless steel pail and carry carrots with the greenery still attached.. that looks so logical.....and if anything looks like it is going to happen, you dump the carrots on the  floor... and catch "it" --

 i have done that many times-- and if you think the dogs are popular, wait til you see the reaction of walking around with a donkey trailing behind.or better  yet. trailing with my 3 danes...


Thursday, December 29, 2022

dec 29 2022

today on camera you should see...  "the  man" janine found with the help of wallace vacationing in florida, but we did find a second translator last night at mail call... "fluffy" called and speaks portuguese  and said she would contact us about 9:00 to see if we needed her help.. she is california... bless the internet.. i will need to explain to him that we need 2 pieces of rebar pounded in the ground. -- 2 for each 4x6...  fluffy... get ready !!

many people have mentioned the idea of going to home depot at 6am where there is a selection of help.. 
when i was a kid in newburgh ny... the routine was to stand in front of the post off ice-- and get in the back of any farm truck that came by looking for help... and you picked berries all day in the hot sun.   it is when i decided maybe education would be a better option...( and then i worked for a company for 19 years before they realized i had "a degree"-- i apparently hide it well) the mark(camera mark....matt( shatupon matt)  mark ( groundskeeper  mark)and matt ( cowboy matt), those names give me a binary problem  and constantly get it wrong and so do the camera people?????.. let us be clear......mark--- groundskeeper mark is the hard working helper you see around here almost daily.  the camera mark must nearly be 100% retired by now/or soon....

the news paper thought maybe we could start a weekly  equine article as appaernly my weekly dog  has been well received... and if i watch janine feed  at meridith,i am sure i can come up with another 400 words -- it is the photo   that gets me behind....
to that end.... my first might be "meet mo".  and the best picture i have of her is teh tug of war with all the kids.... so i would have to spend 200 words explaining why a tug of war with a 1" diameter rope should not be dangerous with mo.

the editor guy. --- john-- is doing a great job to maintain a small town newspaper... it ain't easy  and every  local news has gone belly up-- but he is hanging in there...  as a charity....  and there is  federal grant money for  anyone trying to survive in the local news business...   truth in publications is not  pervasive.. john as the editor  is trying... so if he thinks adding horse stuff would be a good thing... i will try.....

that will be 2 articles every week + 7 daily doggies...

yikes !!  

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

 dec 28 2022

curiouser and curiouser the.. shifting sands of time-----i think we have a male person coming at 9:00to help with the lumber for the walls..... i dunno who.. should be camera entertainment... the walls...

in my past i have relied on the fire department as a source of large male beings who are generally fit and on a split shift of some sort- available on the off times.. when i told the fire chief that... he said he had never heard of it...i told him it was probably because i paid cash..

last time the police were in my house-- i did make note of the fact that one of the guys was just plain huge and filled my "living room"  so i did make note of the fact that he could probably lift 100 pounds of about anything one handed... not someone you would want to argue with...and someone who would be a huge help at lifting me out of wherever i might fall into. 

2 things.... my mother told me at a very young age.. if a policeman tells you to stop... you stop and just stand still. you can argue later.... i do not know why that is not taught to all children.

my second association is... when they make police uniforms. they should limit the size and shape to fit any "in shape" male or female officer.  i would outlaw any shirt that was made to accommodate the huge beer bellies often seen. "in uniform". then if they can not get dressed in uniform they can not go to work.. 

i wonder how human resources would deal with that .  

that concept comes to mind every time i see a ballooning. mid section-- or whenever i see a bunch of west point cadets... no balloons there either...

somebody told me once--- i don't think it was the internet.... that firemen or women have to be able to climb a ladder with 75 pounds of gear strapped to them..which reminds me. of a photo........ i don't know where i was... but i tried all that stuff on.... it is darn heavy...i could barely walk.... they would not let me go down the brass pole with all that on...

in the picture sizzle's nose can be seen saying "what on earth????" 

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

 dec 27 2022

cooking suis vie --- unemployment/ bartenders...are my todays hang ups.....


after "boiling "  a perfect steak at 133.00 for 4 hours --- i  vacuum bagged 3 chicken legs- put them in the pot-- raised the temp to 165.00 degrees.  for 2 hours and ended up with the best chicken leg i have had in a very long time....i can hardly wait to have the other 2 for breakfast today.


which brings me to unemployment..  i do agree that the concept is valid...  there are times when someone - thru no fault of their own,  is-- for the moment--- unable to have a routine paycheck....however..... in th e past year, i have known of a person, not working because they could not find a job -- and she is( suposed to be??) a nurse??  she explained to me  she had no intention of looking for a job til the unemployment ran out-- and that was good for another 17 years.. or something.

and i thought of Pam.... who in her life had been about everything known to the working world... from political campaigns to. childcare. to  bartending....  i could not mention any job without her saying she had done that in 1993 or such.. in other words.. she worked.... period.  she also said she had never been on unemployment..  i believe it.

and as my career progressed, i realized.. there was another group of people ( besides 4h people )to whom i would prefer to hire... and that is people who have been bartenders.... they seemed to be women who had been stuck for a paycheck and took a job waiting on tables-- where the only possible advancement to them was to learn to bartend.... so they did that... whether they were in college getting an mba or newly divorced with 2 kids  the effort at advancement seems a common denominator.


so how come such a high percentage of our presidents have been raised by "single mothers" -- 2 examples  i can think of is clinton and obama...... and...... unless you are of a particular religious persuasion, there is no such thing as a single mom.....  or there should not be  such a thing as single mom....the other half that pregnancy came from somewhere... it should be a law that paternity must be established in every birth.... boy would that  not screw up society.. one thing it would do... is all these white men that make up these laws would suddenly believe in and make abortion  as legal as gun carrying...


I am told----male sperm swim faster  but female sperm are larger and last longer   -- what does that say about the general population .. which... I am told... is 51% female... why is our congress not 51% female?  Is that because men are generally bigger and louder???

Monday, December 26, 2022

 dec 26 2922

mixed bag-- that is what this community is...  i can not believe 1400 people read this regularly ---- ok. so it varries between 1396 and 1410 after 2 days ...... i totally enjoy the group especiallky when they have either spit coffee on the keyboard because of laughing... or disagreed violently in an email to me.
it is an early morning mental exercise. for more than just me writing it.--  emails are sometimes and minus...

now the  camera numbers game.     50% watch the house camera  20% watch the donkey cam. 10 puppy hill and nursery cam. .. furthermore 40% are men...

so our 2 points of strong interest. asre.....the  daily trials and tribulations of a bunch of animal people and to some the new world of large animals-- the learning curve has happened..  who knew you had to file  the points off a horse;'s  teeth  ever couple years???.. or that the horse vet made house/ farm.  calls??? ....

to take better advantage of the explore cameras, we  ( janine) has cleaned up the arena and will be bringing over some of her rescue horses for wallace to ride-- on camera--  so you can watch the transition from plow horse to riding horse.... or in some cases wild animal to pet.
all of these draft horses from the amish country  have worked hard--- and the amish take good basic  care of their horses .. as you would a car,,, but when their usefulness is over they are usually sent to auction  and sold by the pound .. some of the ones ERN buys can be "repurposed" by having wallace  ride them. -- he  is a bull rider and has not fallen off any horse yet .. but it is sometimes exciting to see him h ang on as the horse leaps around... what better place than our arena???   i. have seen this in the  beautiful fields at meridith -- but winter is here... and our indoor arena might be better used--  it could  be an education....

there are some ERN buys just to keep them out of the pipeline  in those terrible trucks to mexico/
 draft h orses and mules.... who.. like "mo" become a lawn ornaments -- and every year we think" is she going to last thru the winter?   so far she has.... but it is hard to keep any fat on her .ERN refers to these reescued work horses or carriage horses as horses who have earned a "soft landing"   of a few months in the beautiful pastures of meridith farm,,
however   this year-- a few of the ones expected not to make it  thru the winter have  had a huge improvemnet in their health  with the care they get here.. and now we will be giving  them a second chance,, and that will take alot of hay..  which is judy and i running to salsbury weekly for the 80 bales ...

there is a book... "chance". about an amish carriage horse given a second chance with ERN, i couldn't find it on amazon... but it does exist.... 

Sunday, December 25, 2022

 dec 25 2022

have a cup runneth over...?so where's shirley? 

( the wood pile is full thanks to bud.. and mark) 

i have zero intention of wandering outside the front door,,, til monday when  the temp is expected to be a balmly 35 degrees,,, 

sara inherited doing the chores both 12/24 and 12/25 and so far is doing an incredible job meeting the  unexpected whacko situations with wisdom and courage.


i have to mention this only to fill you in on details...

 regardless of how reliable a dog is--- there are times we just do not understand..... sometimes because we are to full of preconceived notions to be able to analyze correctly...

try this one....

lachy is wonderful-- very steady... will allow hugging ( most of mine do not) a terrriffic public relations dog.

however.... there is one person in mabey 100  who  has armpits he is fascinated with.   similar to a cat with catnip.... it is embarasing to have to pull him out from under somone's arm.. so we try and stop before he get too fixated,...  there are not too many people  you can question "what on earth do you use for a deoderant?"

but there have been  a few i have been able to ask.. and so far see no relationship.


lovely george myers.... dvm.... i walked thru his back door one day carrying bailey as a pup...and he--- trying to get a rise out of me, which he did regularly-- said. " that is the uglest -dane pup i have ever seen". to which i replied " then it is a good thing she is mine and not yours"... bailey grew up to be beautiful( and not deaf... she was white..). but as perfectly trained as she was.... there was one person in the world that she hated and wanted to kill... and that was george myers-- if he was even on the property she would stare in his direction  until. he left. and i was keenly aware of her displeasure.---- in his educated wisdom.. one day at dogfest he said " get me a cookie and i'll show you how to change her mind". so i gave him a cookie... he held it out for bailey who very stiff legged came and took the cookie.. then backed 6 feet away and continued to glare at him. i had to watch her... she was not kidding.

and it was only  with george she was like that.


tiffany-- my first purchased dane pup   -- beautifully trained -- often "on the bed"  with her 8 children... in boston, charlestown, cambridge. wakefield to name a few $1000 per day they paid me.. i sat on teh bed with them and watched them like a hawk. no leash no collars....( because the public would grab and yank them )..... then one day at the pru tower-- nice looking 12 year old girl tif came to me glaring and growling at her... i grabbed her jowls  and hung on while the girl went thru our "exhibit" of chickens and donkeys--i let go...she was perfect...for the entire following year,,, until.. pru tower... same girl... same reaction// luckly tif told me about her dislike before she confronted the child....


and before anyone gets on the "dogs are unreliable kick"  remember the last  actual dog bite i have had-- was on the same bed.. in medford where a 12 year old boy said to his friend  “wanna see me bite the dog?”   he   bit my dog's ear-- blood everywhere as i came down across  the kids nose with my fist.... which was sore for weeks) .i find dogs far more reliable than the general public....

Moral of the story... when mixing dogs and general public....the handler of the dog must be alert to protect the dog from the people as much as the people from the dog.


so the current issue... a pup--- a nice dog--- came running across the arena to have a go at janine's leg, then hand.  janine has had this problem with several other dogs-- and is now scared of them- i can not blame her.

but again... before anyone gets too excited..... think back...   everybody's favorite dog... . chaos--- bit janine several times--- in her ankles-- and we... in our wisdom.. thought it was hysterical to see janine run across the yard with chaos on her heels and slam the door of the shop to get way..

it is now no joke... what on earth  do so many dogs have against Janine???

the cleaned up arena

nearly ready for dogs and horses

and donkeys

Saturday, December 24, 2022

 dec 24 2022

the nativity scene at the vatican-- carefully replicating Michelangelo's colors and topics......dead center-- right behind the child in the straw... is a donkey....-- not a horse..or a dog..... or a commercial logo like amazon's smile. but a simple donkey...
you have the "wise men "  saying.  "i bring you gold". and  "i bring you miir" and there is the donkey saying " frank sent me"
they are such terriffic animals...time we paid more attention to them...given half a chance at kind and gentle handling, they become perfect   outdoor family pets... i certainly had 8 perfect mini's with antlers for '
santa jobs..'
 and at one point we moved the 8 of them from the weston hotel to the pru tower....they followed...jogging along without a strap on any of them-- in  a crowd---  perfect behavior...OK. let me see anyone do that with 8 of our dogs....  
SO THERE.....all you doubting thomases..  donkeys are FUN.  and amusing ... i have had them in nursing homes -- schools. and all kinds of religious functions.. and movie studios never a mis-step...  while we wait for more female dogs to come in heat and give us pups.... i want to  have some more donkeys to "develope" and see what they can do-- education wise..  it would be soooooo different.... there are lessons to be learned....

i would love to take a donkey to. any 4h animal club /scout troup....and demonstrate how cheerful and willing they are  to be led around.  and then put a piece if paper on the floor and show how they become "stuborn" only because the  do not understand the paper.... the stubborn reputation gets reinforced because of the fact the person trys to bully them .... 

so 2 things.... as we go into january--- i will ask ERN to rescue a few more donkeys from the auction  in penna and see if we can come up with "useable donkeys"  like the ones i have had in the past......... that climb stairs and go in elevators.... we have taken 100% wild donkeys  and  in 2 weeks   of  5 or 10 minutes a day, had them  follow us around like dogs.

now that the arena is "cleaned up".   
crazy acres will need  volunteers( kids  supervised by parents) to handle these donkeys and  get them manageable...  lotttttsa treats...walk around  our property and then the state forest, then fairgrounds and with luck.  Topsfield center..  

alot of details to figure out..  duct tape on the feet??? 
one day at a time.
let there be no doubt-  
 in  the place of honor at vatican
is the donkey

Friday, December 23, 2022

 dec 23 2022

chip and lynn spent alot of time thinking about renovations to the kennels.. i heard the topic as a went by and did not get i don't know what ther outcome was.   it is in good hands...

i am on the walls of the arena project...---basically a 4' high wall-- and i know i have seen the walls slightly tipped...

 i mentioned that at mail call and   sure enough....someone said the walls should be at 80 degrees so the track of the horse's feet will prevent the rider from banging thier knee on the walls... bless teh mail call bunch--- not too much stumps them all !!.

that sounds right... so how thick is a riders knee????  ( here we go again .. another study.   like geroge bush's ? leg height?   or  32 inch inseam)

the widest bent leg i could find  was less than 8 inches...-- so with the right angle and squaring the sides  i changed the top "rail" to a new southern yellow pine 1 x 8 inch board to hopefully hold it all together.

yankee pine lumber store.  has been kind to me and my confused state.... there i am with a yard full of contractors. who know the names of things-- and i dont... so... there is this guy "tall tom" who is very helpful at guessing what it is i am talking about...  like what is the  flap about the new pressure treated lumber

and he assured me the new  'PRESSURE TREATED' stuff is geared for children's playgrounds so we should have no complaints ABOUT  USING IT IN. THE BARN...  ( if burning it is the issue-- that will hopefully not be a problem) 





I HAD ONE  cp   COMPLAINT ABOUT MY TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT  HAY ..but that takes up much more of my time at the moment... between the drought and no second or third cuttings... the cost of gas/desiel  and other complication s from canada... if we  make one trip a week to the truck depot, judy and i.. drinking 2 cups of coffee from dunkiun and gas for the 30 mile round trip if we do not sit too long with the  heater running, we are saving $400 per trip.. .. which is per week-- that is reall money--- and a lotta coffee !!

i found... a bad thing.. dunkin has bacon smothered in maple syrup as a snack...... i will take that out of the $400. !1 

comment  from a cp.....– Freezing Car Doors

One must be careful using petroleum jelly on anything that contains rubber..

 but ripping open the frozen door gasket is not too good for the doors either...

there was a suggestionog beter use of plastic on doorsa and handle... i have not tried that..... yet...

it is raining !!!!!

Thursday, December 22, 2022

 dec 22 2022

  between  holidays ---and COVID ---and flu and colds --- And age in general December is always a challenge------- Both service dog project and equine rescue network have people out sick for one reason or another ----simple things like broken leg ---And whatever they say about Employees, when the **** hits the fan the problems fall upward in an outfit like this Involving the care of animals daily.. fortunately all that falls on.lynn. and Janine and not me..----- as of last night Lyn seemed strong and healthy. and Janine said in an e-mail that she planned on being better today.. my personal opinion she just got rung out standing   or carrying around. 40 pound  bales of hay.. at meridith farm... ERN project..doesn’t matter... must get done...


since I have been in on the feeding process at Meredith.. there are a lot of animals over there --all need at least  hay  and water---my guess is 18 or 20 .. And since I have spent a few days in my nice warm car doing paperwork while Janine feeds.. I've had a pretty good look at the process --so that kept me up last night... as I wondered if it didn't need rethinking.. 


Let's think of the life of 10 Bales of hay.. It starts in my car at the hay dealer who loads it and ties it down for me... I then deliver it to Meredith where I dump it and somebody comes along with two Wheelers and restacked it in the barn...  or I deliver it to service dog project where we have a hay elevator which carries the hay up into the hayloft.. Either of these processes involve two people--  one of whom has a broken leg.

now if I take it to Meredith and it gets stacked in the 1806 huge   barn it then gets put in a heavy duty 4 wheeled laundry wagon.. which then gets dragged  2 at a time. to the bee barn...aand back to 1806 ....then to meredith's icehouse..  ...aand back to 1806 ....the two mules across the street... ...aand back to 1806 .... the sheep and goat pasture.. ...aand back to 1806 .... And eventually the two stalls in the barn.  In that 1806 barn

that deltvers 10 bales.... me in a warm car. Janine  in the cold/rain/ now ailing .


and I wonder... if we put all the hay in our barn here requiring 2 people scheduled weekly. ( which. is a lot different than daily feeding) ---and a $5.00 bill in the windshield wiper of janine’s truck-- would someone take the 5er and drop 10 bales  in her truck.. she could then go. To meridith in a warm truck.. jump out and throw hay to the  5 different groups of animals and between groups RIDE IN HER WARM TRUCK. If she managed to have 50  pounds of grain in the. Back of the truck... (which she could  have someone else put in the back of her truck on. The way past the grain store) .... she could bucket that out as she goes around- leaving ther schlepping water in jerrycans  which could be added to that process most of the time...   then she would only have to pick the poop—for that I do not know of a short  cut.. but the  factor of  exposure to the elements  would be significantly reduced  plus she could. Hkeep her cherished  cuppa coffee in the truck to warm her innards..


so the hay  problem  would be reduced to lifting into our hayloft. ( 2  random people and the elevator) and dropping into her truck which would happen for $5  if she left her truck under the hay door....


that is how I see it—

but change is  always frightening and subject to objection—the comfort of a routine is gone.

we gotta do something..

passing on a word of wisdom???
petroleum jelly along the rubber seals for the driver's side car doors so they don't freeze shut!

my weekly load of hay

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

 DEC 21 2022

BLAST... EASTWARD..  BELOW ZERO.. ARTIC.. CATHEDRAL CEILINGS..  FLORIDA...SNOWPLOW....all bad words... as i panic and load the kitchen up with about 1/2 a cord of wood for that wonderful wood stove




at this time of year, my biggest fear is to get all covered with soap and shampoo in the bath....and loose the hot water.

there is a song about that ... but you are lucky today.....fortunately i can not locate it...something about.."if only ike and kruschev would sit down face to face .. in the bath.. the work of human kindness ..would be solved as long as kruschev got the end without the taps..  the show was....."at the drop of a hat" donald swann and michael flanders--spectacular " satire....word people..." 
The purpose of satire, it has been rightly said, is to strip off the veneer of comforting illusion and cosy half-truth. And our job, as I see it, is to put it back again.
they have a song for nearly everything... like  land  developers  as related to stonehenge " what on earth do you need a henge for?"

back to warm... and stove... i do not know of a better designed anything ,, than that stove..- it lifts apart without any tools into pieces easily carried by one person...--- the 6 "burner " circles are interchangeable-- and can be lifted out of position with a handle that  does not get the unique clank as things fall into place-- is just plain charming and reassuring.. i just unloaded 5 gallon bucket of cool ashes from the cool ash collecting section accessed with said clank...

with the oncoming "blast". i think i will move my chair into the kitchen... now if i hung a tarp off the loft, to eliminate the cathedral ceiling part.....  that kitchen would be realllllly toasty  - add one twin mattress--- and  with my 3 dogs, i might make it to muddy march.


Tuesday, December 20, 2022

 dec 20 2022

doorway training ---

working on...... for the newspaper.. about training a dog in a doorway.. with a picture of courtney's kiddo and her dog on opposite sides of a baby gate... it is possible to train a dog to stop at a doorway and ask permission to come into a room and it's done very simply by physically blocking the dogs way and saying WHOA  and stamping your foot... dogs do not like to be startled so generally they'll stop and look at you like why did that happen?? .. and they will basically look for more directions than you can tell them to wait..... walk on or go away... but don't just leave them standing there wondering....

dogs do not do confusion well and if you don't tell them what to do next they'll figure out that you weren't serious... Besides in all of dog training it's not polite to leave the dog wondering.  ( THE WORST  SITUATIONS  ARE When someone tells a  dog to sit or down then walks away pleased with themselves that they got the dog to do something and they forget to tell the dog that they can go back to being normal that's just plain rude in dog language)

it doesn't take long to set up this “doorway "  sequence  which involves having the dog trying to step over the threshold which case you stamp your foot again and say BACK..;; and   Without too much effort the dog in the doorway will eventually learn whoa ... wait  ---come in ---back--- walk on--- go away Which are handy things to know anywhere all it takes is a little consistency for a few minutes/

so that is next week’s news   hopefully...,


other than that ... it is the fence in the arena for todays excitement... maybe....

this baby gate left me wondering who was walled in or out?????

was it robert frost???

Before I built a wall I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,